Curious Cat
by All-Knowing Alien 2
Summary: Second in my series of MarySue parodies. Once again, in no way a MST, based on the silly concept that MarySues should always end up in Rivendell, Lothlorien, Hobbiton or Gondor. A little dark, I'll admit.


Warning: There is a MarySue in this story, but she does die. I warn you about that as well – it will not be pretty.

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, as I am not a reincarnation of J.R.R. Tolkien. For good reason.

These parodies are _fun_. I wonder how many I can write…

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Insania Dementia Mania slammed the door to her room. For good measure, she opened it and slammed it shut again. She did it a third time, just because she could. Then she flounced over to her bed and threw herself onto the expensive Egyptian sheets. Her mascara-and-tears stained the pillowcase, despite the fact that the little bottle in her makeup bag proudly boasted the fact that it was waterproof. However, this is somewhat irrelevant (or so she would like us to think) when compared with her current plight. It was the reason why she was currently crying her eyes out and contemplating gory suicide.

She had been assigned homework.

And not just any old homework – this was _Maths_ homework. And the teacher ('Slut-hag-O'Malley,' thought Insania) was a woman, so Insania couldn't give her regular lap dances to pass the class. That hadn't stopped her from trying, though, which had landed her in detention.

The fact that she had gotten out of said detention via another lap dance (this time for the very willing basketball coach) is completely beside the point.

So she actually had to do the ten problems the teacher had set. And Ms. O'Malley was now keeping an eye on her, so there was no way Insania could get one of the nerds to do the assignment for her. Insania sobbed harder into her pillow, the pain stabbing at her heart like a…stabby thing. It wasn't fair! What did she do to deserve this kind of pain? Was this a curse because of her beauty? Or was Ms. O'Malley just jealous of her cascading red locks, her piercing green eyes, her cheerleader's physique, and her lap-dancing prowess?

There was a knock at the door.

"Honey? I heard you had some tough homework today – do you want me to help you with it?"

"No! I'm fine!"

"Are you sure, sweetheart? Your mom's made some chocolate-chip cookies, the ones you like. We could –"

"Go away, Dad! Just leave me alone!" she screamed.

"You watch your tone, young lady! I expect to see you down for dinner, _without_ the attitude." She heard her father stomp down the landing, muttering to himself.

Insania dissolved into tears once again. Even her parents hated her. Couldn't they understand what she was going through? Of course not. They never thought about her, they only thought about themselves. After a while the tears stopped, leaving Insania hollow, and alone, and in profound _pain_. She wiped off the remnants of her makeup on the white sheets, and was about to blare some Avril on her stereo when someone knocked on the door again. This time Insania opened it, decidedly annoyed.

It was her eight-year-old sister, Jessica, who was smiling widely.

"Are you gonna play dolls with me, 'Sania?"

"No," Insania said coldly.

"But…but you promised! You said that –"

"I don't care what I said! Go away, you stupid brat!" For the fourth time that day, Insania slammed the door, ignoring the devastated look on her sister's face and the tears in her eyes.

This time Insania locked the door, having been pushed too far. First the homework, then her father, and now her sister. It seemed that the world was definitely against her, and she intended to do something about it. Turning up the volume on her radio, she reapplied her makeup, numb from the pain. Then she took a razor conveniently located on her desk and slit her wrists, the pain in her heart far worse than that of cutting so deep.

As she blacked out (and presumably died), the last thing she remembered was a loud voice saying, "**You are destined for other things, Insania Dementia Mania**," over the strains of Sk8trboi.

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Insania awoke to the feeling of something digging into her back. Getting up and preparing to yell at her sister for leaving her toys all over the place, Insania paused, having remembered what she had done. As she looked at her wrists, she saw that the wounds were no longer there.

'I must be dead,' she thought, and looked around. 'Am I in Heaven?'

She didn't even entertain the possibility of her being in Hell, although the craggy rocks around her and the imposing building near her certainly pointed to that being the more likely option. The light wasn't very good either, and she realised that if she was going to enter the building (she had decided that it was a palace that was her reward in the afterlife) she would have to first descend some very scary looking stairs.

'It's probably some sort of test to see if I'm worthy,' she thought to herself, and then wondered if there was anyone she could give a lap dance to, just so she could speed up the process. Looking around again, she couldn't find anybody, but she did finally notice the great gaping hole in the rock, the cave. She wrinkled her dainty nose; a revolting smell came from the cave. She'd best be climbing down to her palace.

But even as she placed one foot on the first step, a big fat droplet of water splashed onto the top of her head. It wasn't like the water at home – Insania knew, because she had often walked home in the rain. The water masked the heartfelt tears that coursed down her cheeks. At any rate, the rain at home wasn't anything like here. For starters, the rain at home didn't _sizzle_.

Quickly she ran to the relative shelter of the cave, trying to breathe shallowly to keep out the smell. The 'rain' poured down from the Heavens, although this was technically Heaven anyway (or so she thought). "Acid rain," she said to herself, vaguely remembering the words that had been written on the black board when she had lap danced her way to an A+ in her Science final last year.

This was probably another test, she supposed. So she'd just sit here in the cave and wait until the rain gave up. It wouldn't take _that_ long, would it?

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Three hours later (although it felt like a day and a half to her), Insania was ready to remedy her opinion. The rain was still going strong, and the sky was an angry grey, so it would probably go on. Anyway, all the sitting around and doing nothing was making her bored. I mean, if she was going to sit around and do nothing, she might as well be sitting around doing nothing while listening to some good music. And here, good music equals Avril Lavigne.

There was nothing for it. Although it smelled like death, Insania decided to brave the cave. It was probably another test anyway.

After only a few steps, Insania couldn't see a thing, not even the entrance of the cave. She wished she had some kind of torchlight, but there was nothing for it. She still took shallow breaths, not only because of the smell (which, if possible, was growing stronger) but because the air was still, stagnant and heavy. Insania shivered, and stretched out her arms. The wall of the cave was smooth, and strikingly different from the rough rocks outside.

Onwards she walked. She ignored all the side passages, instead concentrating on the main one which sloped upwards slightly. Her senses dulled; it was impossible to see, sound seemed to be eaten away by the very air, her fingers felt numb and it was hard to breathe. Only the smell was a constant, filtering in through her nostrils even though she tried to breathe through her mouth. At odd intervals things would brush against her head – the first time this had happed, she had screamed – or at least, tried to. What came out was a sort of strangled gasp. She had reached up to find out what the thing was (because she could not see it in the darkness) and felt something smooth and threadlike. Probably some kind of plant, she supposed, having not paid attention in Science and therefore not knowing the unlikelihood of plants growing in a place devoid of light.

After what felt like days of walking, Insania sunk to her knees to rest. She gasped in air, and her throat burned with the need for water. Her stomach then decided to remind her that she was hungry. She was confused (not an unusual feeling for her) at this, because she thought that you didn't need to eat or sleep or whatever when you were dead. You weren't even supposed to _breathe_.

The hairs on the back of Insania's neck stood on end. Something…something was watching her.

She wanted to scream again. Instead, she quickly got to her feet and whirled around. There was a great whiff of that nauseating smell, and then it was gone. Nothing was there, even if she could see in the unending darkness. Turning around, she ignored her screaming senses, and started walking again. This time, however, her steps had an urgent quality to them.

It was awhile later that she feeling of being watched dwindled and finally was gone. Insania paused in her steps again, panting. She put out a hand to steady herself, expecting to come into contact with the wall. The smooth wall. She did not expect her hand to brush against something hairy and slightly slimy and _moving_.

Insania screamed, and ran.

Whatever that thing was, it was _huge_. Insania could feel its size. So…so if she ran into one of the side passages, the thing wouldn't be able to catch her, would it? I mean, it was to big, right? This sounded like logic to Insania, so she darted off to the side. As she did, she did the stupidest thing she could have ever done (and believe me when I say she has done _many_ stupid things).

She looked back.

The image of those _eyes_ would haunt her for the rest of her life. Incidentally, it wouldn't haunt her for very long.

When she turned her head to look in front of her again, it was too late for her to stop. She ran straight into the barrier. It was made out of the things she had thought were plants, but these were strangely sticky. The more she struggled to get out of them, the more she got caught. Insania unwisely (but understandably) panicked, and struggled some more, letting out a few choice swear words and screams in the process of getting more and more tangled.

Then something sharp plunged into her back, and she knew no more.

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Shelob did not immediately wrap this new creature in webs, unlike how she did with her other prey. She had never before chased this kind of creature. With her keen eyesight (and her many eyes) Shelob saw that it had a lot of fur coming out of its head. Her pedipalps clicked together in distaste. Most of her prey had little to no fur. This was fine with Shelob, because she couldn't eat the fur anyway.

It looked like a human…but something was still off. Then one of the Great Spider's legs felt the bumps on its chest. Ah…it was female. Shelob chittered excitedly. She had never before eaten anything female. And seeing as Men were succulent enough already, perhaps females were even more so.

Shelob delicately began spinning her poisoned prey into a cocoon. Once that was done, she cradled it in one leg, and proceeded quickly to her main cavern. If Shelob had once had a sense of smell (doubtful, as she is a spider) it would have been destroyed by the sheer reek of the large cavern. Bones littered the floor, and there were still a few cocoons hanging from the ceiling, most empty.

She would eat the Orc she had caught last week first. It was never fun to eat thing that were not wriggling, and the human would not recover from the poison until at least two weeks. And Shelob wanted to savour her juicy prey as much as possible. It was not often that she got sweet meat. She secured the cocoon onto the ceiling, and then quickly went over to the Orc. He was moving, struggling, trying his best to escape. A futile attempt, as it seemed, but even an Orc has some sense of preservation.

However, Shelob does not much care for an Orc's feelings, especially when she is hungry. She quickly removed a small bit of the web, and – ah… A few minutes later, a mostly full Shelob went out of the main cavern to patrol the rest of her caves, particularly the ones leading to Mordor. She might get lucky and catch a few Orcs.

The Orc in the cocoon no longer struggled. It's quite hard to do that when you're dead.

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Insania awoke, and discovered she couldn't move, and couldn't see. Actually, that last one is inaccurate, as she could see – it just so happened that there wasn't much you could see from the inside of a cocoon made out of spider silk. Her hands were crushed at her sides awkwardly, and there was a cramp in her leg that was almost unbearable. I say 'almost unbearable' because it was more bearable than the pain in her back. Something had pierced her; that much was certain. That creature – whatever it had been, with the many eyes.

Insania managed to shiver, and the whole cocoon trembled a little.

That little bit was enough for Shelob, who had been waiting and waiting for the human to awaken.

Insania became the first female on Middle-Earth to know how it felt to have her insides sucked out of her body.

Her last thought was, 'Maybe I should have just done my homework.'

Then there was nothing.

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And in a different universe – or maybe the same one, no one knows – someone laughed. It was the same voice that had spoken to Insania Dementia just as she died. Let us ask it what it meant when it told her of being destined of other things.

**What? Oh, you mean that stupid angsty girl? Her destiny? To be fed to Shelob of course. If I hadn't interfered, the Spider would not have had enough energy to chase after Frodo and Sam. If that happens, the whole universe collapses. And no one is going to miss that…Insania, or whatever she's called. Stupid MarySue.**

And that was that.

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Based on the dumb way MarySues (almost) always manage to land in places like Rivendell or Mirkwood. Annoying.

Yay. The death of another MarySue, although I will admit this to be a little darker than I intended. Information taken from 'Shelob's Lair' in the Two Towers, and from miscellaneous encyclopaedias. Pedipalps are those pincer things spiders have. And I'm pretty sure spiders have no sense of smell.

Some poetic license of course – I don't think it ever rains in Mordor, and by extension, in Minas Morgul. However, I needed a valid reason for the Sue to go into the cave, so…hey; at least it's acidic, right? As for Shelob knowing the difference between males and females…plothole. Although, now that I reread that bit, it sounds a teeny bit like Shelob's molesting her. Oh well. Not my intention, just so you know.

And although Insania didn't even mention anything about LoTR, a few MarySue stories have main characters that know nothing about the book – and authors who know even less.

I hope you enjoyed, and do remember that I do take requests for MarySue parodies. Just tell me in a review, and I'll see what I can do.

Alien.


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